Topic: Wife committing adultery

Hello all,

I'm new to the forum, and would like to request prayer for the salvation of my wife, and the preservation of my family. We have been together 15 years and married for 11. We have two children, a 7 year old girl and 9 year old boy. In April of this year, my wife dropped a bomb on me by telling me she was in love with a married man at work, and no longer loved me. This was after she and I celebrated our 11th anniversary in Jamaica, and spent time strolling hand in hand on the beach talking about our future together. We lived upstairs/downstairs for four months while she tried to sort out her feelings. She continued seeing the other man throughout this time, and I was subject to telephone calls between them as they told each other they loved one another...it was too much for me. She moved out of our matrimonial home in August of this year, and continues the affair. We're sharing our children 50/50, and when I'm away from them my only solace is to turn to our Lord and pray continually for their return. Just today, my wife announced she plans to introduce the other man to my children and that he would "be playing a big part in their lives." He worships his own "internal God" and does not recognize the one true God...my wife was raised as a Catholic, but is not practicing and I believe she's turned her face away.

Please pray for both my wife and her lover...for her clarity, and for all possible barriers to be raised between her and him. She considers me to be sanctimonious and holier than thou because I'm taking this time to draw closer to God and bring my children with me...although I haven't preached to her, I have told her I'm praying for her and that God has a plan that does not include divorce or the destruction of two families (ours, and the other man's).

Thank you, and God bless all of you.

Your brother in Christ.

Re: Wife committing adultery

Peter -

Welcome to Godbit!  I pray you find all the you need here.

Have you seen the movie FireProof?  If not, I highly recommend that you rent or buy it.

What usually drives a person into the arms of another is a sense that something is missing from the current relationship - most typically that missing ingredient is an ongoing feeling of specialness in the eyes and actions of their spouse.  I'm not saying you don't see her as special, but that she may not be enough aware of it to keep her focused on you.  I say this from experience from both sides of the equation.  Add to this that, as Christians, we hold God above all others and that gives the person outside of the body of Christ the sense that they're not very important.  This is why Christians are cautioned against being unequally yolked.  Your wife is comparing your interest in God with her lover's interest in her and his willingness to leave his family behind to be with her.  God is your central focus, while she feels that she is her lover's central focus.  What is sad is the likelihood that he will eventually grow tired of her and she'll be in dire straights then.

This is why I recommend the movie as it addresses the importance of God being shared between a couple and how it's our job in the relationship to see to our spouse's needs regardless the outcome.

Honored to Serve for Him - Tom ('Mas) Pickering <)><

Re: Wife committing adultery

Thank you for your reply. I have seen Fireproof, and was more than willing to work through the 40 days with her...but at no point has she shown any interest whatsoever in working with me, and she found anything I did to show her how much I loved her and how special she was infuriating...she said she refused to believe any of the changes in me were real, and I was just trying to manipulate her by being kind and loving. In short, she never even gave me a chance. All her attention and focus has been on the other man. I fully confessed anything and everything I ever thought I might have done wrong in our marriage, both to God and to her. I was faithful and loving, but according to her, I didn't put her on a pedestal (the specialness that you spoke of). I've learned a lot about loving with a servant's heart since the separation, and how to be selfless in a marriage, but it's all for nothing, because she won't let me demonstrate it to her. Even after all this time, and the pain of the ongoing affair, I still tell her I love her and I'm praying for her. She says she's tired of my "God speak" and considers it harrassment.

It was a very hard day today, my brothers and sisters. She came over and took half of the Christmas decorations we've collected together over the years. My heart is breaking, and I'm praying to God for comfort and the strength to go on.

Re: Wife committing adultery

I agree with Tom.  Women are more sensitive in their feelings.  They all like to be treated as queen or princess.  I'm no different.  My husband always declares "I love you" to me, but I'm not very much impressed all the time and can only feel that it is just like a child crying for the motherly love.  The reasons are that he is not acting as what he says and I also need a father figure and a spiritual leader in the family.  He can do all the things which I hate to see.  All in all, we're Christians and living together.  But, if I were not a Christian I coudn't sustain my love on him at all.  So, you can see that, it's not that how much you say you love her, it's how much you act to show your love.  Besides, after reading the books "Search for a father" by Amanda Lord (recommend you to read) and "Perfect 10" by Tracy Lindsey Melchior, I think sometimes when a woman commits adultery is a sign that she wants to fill a big hole in her heart, and she simply chooses sex as the filler. 

Since you have watched Fireproof, I suggest you to understand or find out more of your wife's past (baggage), so that you are fully aware of the situation - her real needs.  Don't forget that she has been with you for over 10 years.  Was she tied with you simply because she's a Catholic and didn't want to break the code?  From what you said, I could feel that she tried to run away from God or had not feel the love from God.  That may explain why she resented your "godly" talk or act.

You and she need a lot of prayers, and strength from God.  The whole matter may take a year to resolve.  Be patience and don't turn away from God.  Allow her be good mother to the children and guard the bad influence of this matter on them.  Therefore, they also need faith in God.  You have to spend extra effort on this as the children will start to question why God is so unfaithful to allow this to happen, or why their Christian father acts like a coward.

I pray to our Lord for the love and guidance for you and the whole family.

Last edited by monicahu (2009-11-20 21:44:48)

Monica ++ Life is purposeless without God.

Re: Wife committing adultery

As someone who crossed that bridge approx. 9yrs ago;  i feel your pain!  When i became married it was a done deal in my heart and mind!  I had a child at that time of 3yrs old and my wife introduced my son to the man after moving out and us signing seperation papers with the 50/50 child custody as well.  It tore me up knowing that my son was being introduced to a man that contributed in the breaking up of my family!  My problem was that my wife was rebellious to living a life for *GOD* and wanted to pull me back into the world with her!


We got back together several times and she had counseling;  but still was bent on drinking and living any way except the way *GOD* has ordained for us to live!   We lived together as strangers basically for about 5 more years afterwards;  but *GOD* must come first and whe n she cheated again and i'd gave up;  I stuck with *GOD* and this time fought for full custody and got it!  I feared her influence over the child at that time!  He needed a *GOD*ly home!

The most encouragement is in knowing that we serve a *GOD* who is able to feel our pain and do any and all things above any and all our needs!  People fail in life;  but *GOD* never will fail us!  Hold onto to *HIS* hand and surround yourself with friends who truly love and care about you! *CHRIST*ians!!!  *GOD* does provide for these times and situations if we will trust *HIM*;  we grow stronger in *CHRIST* and the *LOVE* of *GOD* through *CHRIST*!

Stay in prayer!  Remember Job,  Joseph and all of the other great examples that we have that give us the knowledge of  hope, love, grace and true peace that is only found in living for *CHRIST*!

One thing that i think really throws us for a loop in these situations is the fact that we develope a false sense of security in our spouses (male or female-whichever the case may be)  our marraiges;  but me speaking as a man in my wife and it should always be in the *LORD* first!  Although none of us ever want to beleive that this could happen to us!

It gets much easier and though i have not yet found another one that i beleive *GOD* would have me to marry;   i'm open to marraige,  but this time i will be stronger in the *LORD* first and take life however it comes!  When you come right down to it;  nothing in this life has ever been permanent!  Things are always changing;  but *GOD* doesn't change and *HE* will never forsake us as long as we stay with *HIM*!

I hope this helps you and though i'm still currently single;  i have a whole new perspective and the big picture to me is in being with *GOD* forever where there is never anymore  pain,  sorrow,  tears or woe!  These trials are for our own good even though it does not seem that way now!  It will later!  Trust in *HIM* who leads us into all righteousness!  *HE* loves you!  You will be in my prayers and i wish you the best according to *GOD*s will be done!
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                                                     As for me and my house;  We will serve the *LORD*!

Re: Wife committing adultery

Please bring your children together every night and pray together for each one in the family including their mother, so that they can share the thoughts with you and also receive the comfort from the Lord.  You can also demonstrate that there's no need to have hatred or blame when this thing happens, but the love which can uplift everyone.  Forgive your wife so that you are releasing her to our Father.  With you endurance, persistence and love, you will bring her back to home and God's house.

God Bless to you all.

Monica ++ Life is purposeless without God.

Re: Wife committing adultery

Nidan1685 wrote:

I have seen Fireproof, and was more than willing to work through the 40 days with her...but at no point has she shown any interest whatsoever in working with me, and she found anything I did to show her how much I loved her and how special she was infuriating...she said she refused to believe any of the changes in me were real, and I was just trying to manipulate her by being kind and loving. In short, she never even gave me a chance. All her attention and focus has been on the other man.

Remember that, in the movie, the husband's efforts were also scorned by his wife continually.  If you give up, you end up proving her point.  The 40 days is something YOU do FOR her, not with her.

Consider also that the upset she displays is really not with you but out of guilt.  If you're doing the right thing and she's isn't, she will blame you for the guilt she feels.  You need to let that roll off your back and hold to the course like the husband in the movie did.  Seek out the support of a strong Christian man local to you to help you stay on track and call on him when you want to throw in the towel because she's not responding positively.  It was only when the wife in the movie realized that her husband was loving her regardless of the fact that there was no pay off for him, that she began to get past the guilt and start to accept his love, all the while he was learning how to love her in a very real way.

It was a very hard day today, my brothers and sisters. She came over and took half of the Christmas decorations we've collected together over the years. My heart is breaking, and I'm praying to God for comfort and the strength to go on.

Understand that, in order to keep the guilt at bay, she must try and turn you into the opposite of what she wants.  You speak of God to her and that only stacks on the guilt, which she'll do anything to avoid.  She has broken trust with you and doesn't see any way to make things right.  It's no different than our position with God, as there's nothing WE can do to make things right with Him.  He had to make it right for us.  You need to extend the same sort of grace to your wife and gradually, with persistent love, there's a chance that she can eventually accept the grace and start over again, just as our faith in Christ cleans our slate and allows us to start over again.  We continue to fail, but He continues to love us in ways that cannot be understood but are essential nonetheless.  So must you do for your wife.

Honored to Serve for Him - Tom ('Mas) Pickering <)><

Re: Wife committing adultery

Nidan1685,  As i continue to read in this forum;  i see some very good and thoughtful advice being given to you!  This is a hurtful time in anyone's life that experiences it!  I tried reconciliation for many years and ultimately decided that my child was suffering too much and my wife was not willing to do what was needful to make our relationship work out!

As a *CHRIST*ian;  it really threw me when i first discovered what was going on!  I questioned *GOD*;  which i encourage you not to do since *GOD* gives all of us the free will,  to either choose rightly or wrongly!  *GOD* or us either one would not have geniune love if free choice was not a gift that *GOD* has given us!

The one thing that puzzled me was the fact that my ex-wife now kept having excuses to come back such as purposely leaving things to have to come back for!  I know now why she did it!  It seems that the *CHRIST*mas decorations could be that in your case-(no way for me to know for sure)!  My wife would leave and in no time be back after something else.

I think that you have received some good advice from these guys!  I like the comment about praying with your children and involving them;  but please be careful what they hear you pray for as to not cause them anymore insecurity about this than they already are dealing with!  This is a time for them (and needful) to get reinforcement from you;  and you from your brothers and sisters in *CHRIST*;  such as you are doing by asking for prayer and advice!

Be careful with the kids as they are struggling with making sense out of this as well!  I fought for years to reconcile my marriage!  Your's can go either way as you are well aware of!  Remember that along with sin comes a heavy weight of burden!  I agree that you preaching or speaking of *GOD* at this time probably will not make her comfortable and may be more than she can stand at the moment!  You would not want her back out of guilt either!  It must be love that bonds your relationship!

However *GOD* does come first and deserves it;  and commands to be!  You need to keep *HIM* first and she will know whether you say anything or not!  Atleast she will not feel that each time you speak;  you are condeming her!   By your actions to put *GOD* first;  and by letting *HIS* love flow through you;  she may decide that it's time to make this right?  She may see the peace of *GOD* in you and decide that she needs this type of peace and love!

All things work together for the good of those who love the *LORD*!  Grab onto these types of anchors found throughout the *WORD* of *GOD*!   And continue to pray;  lean onto those who are your *SPIRITURAL* family and trust a friend!  Most of all;  try your best to totally put this in *GOD*s hands with the frame of mind that whatever *GOD*s will should be;  that;  thats  okay with you!   I blamed myself as well during that time;  but the fact is;  there is always plenty of blame to go around!  Thank *GOD* that *HE* is patient, longsuffering,  not willing that any should perish!  But that all should come to repentance!

I hope that i have been of some help and have a great thanksgiving my friend!  You will be in my prayers!
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                                              As for me and my house;  we will serve the *LORD*!